There are many difficult and unpleasant emotions that it’s possible to feel. If you’re troubled by frequent feeling of guilt then this article is designed to help you understand them better and to find out more about ways of getting over guilt…
What Actually is Guilt?
Guilt can be a difficult and complex emotion. Whereas some emotions such as anxiety and anger are very basic emotions that are produced when basic parts of the brain involved in detecting danger are activated, guilt is an emotion that can often seem a bit more complicated.
One reason for this is that guilt is linked very closely to certain types of thinking processes. For example we experience guilt at times in which we have acted (or worry about acting) in a way that goes against our own morals or sense of right and wrong, usually in ways that have caused harm to other people that in someway we are responsible for repairing.
This means that whilst guilt is a difficult and unpleasant emotion, it is certainly a normal one that we are all likely to feel at times in our life – as often it can be nearly impossible to always act in ways that match our views of right or wrong, life simply isn’t black and white enough for us to do this.
Guilt can become more of a problem at times when we are feeling it frequently or at times that seem less reasonable or helpful for us to be feeling it. For example, many people that experience chronic feelings of guilt have particular standards, expectations and rules for themselves and the way they should live their lives that might be very difficult or unreasonable to consistently achieve.
What’s The Difference Between Feeling Guilt and Shame?
Many people talk about guilt and shame together. Although they are related, shame is a slightly different emotion and has much more of a social element to it. This is because we feel shame at times in which we see ourselves as not having met our own moral standards in other people’s eyes. We can also feel shame if she have not lived up to the moral standards we guess other people (or society generally) might hold for us. Reducing feelings of shame is often about trying to maintain a positive image of ourselves in others minds’.
Because humans are essentially pack animals, social acceptance is often important to us, and so feelings of shame can also be very isolating too. Research shows that feeling emotions such as shame and humiliation can be very destructive over the longer term, and we also know that isolation – whether physical or psychological can be a predictor for problems such as depression.
Often in working with difficult emotions like shame and humiliation, therapists will help clients to understand their personal responsibilities in more detail first. This is because it can be very difficult to work with social feelings such as shame if we haven’t yet worked with how things seem to ourselves. Whilst it might seem like a strange idea, working on situations in which we feel shame or humiliation in order to ‘shift’ these feelings away from shame to guilt can often be the first step in understanding our own expectations and standards – before trying to understand those of other people too.
What Can I Do To Get Over Guilt?
Whilst getting over guilt can certainly seem easier said than done, it can be done. The key is to understand what ‘getting over guilt’ actually means…
Believe it or not, guilt can be a useful emotion at times! This means that getting rid of it is not always the best solution.
The emotion of guilt can act as a coping mechanism to enable us to take corrective action in certain situations and to make things ‘right’ again. In some ways we can understand it as a ‘red-flag’ or warning sign that our behaviour might not be matching our own ethics. Guilt can actually act as inspiration to improve ourselves as individuals, for example it can encourage us to have empathy for others, spur us on and motivate us to achieve new things – and most importantly for us to better understand ourselves and our morals.
Ok, so layman’s terms; this emotional warning sign is letting us know that we have done something wrong. From this we develop a sense of right and wrong behaviour which we can review and re-evaluate to prevent us from making the same mistake in the future. But that isn’t to say that we want to consistently foster feelings of guilt.
So, in many ways getting over guilt can be achieved by understanding what has made us feel the emotion in the first place and considering steps we can take to change this. For example, what triggered the feeling, and is it something that you had direct control over? If so, was it reasonable or even possible to have done something different based on the knowledge you had at the time? If so then you might want to think about what options you have now for addressing this and making some changes to the situation.
But getting over guilt can also be learning ways in which to build up an increased tolerance to unpleasant emotions and allow ourselves to experience them, if there are no reasonable options to correct a situation that has made us feel that way. Increasing emotional tolerance is often a skill that we can learn over time ourselves – but if you are struggling with emotions that seem overwhelming then it may be a good idea to seek help from an appropriate therapist, such as one of our team.
Some Techniques To Help Manage Guilt:
Sometimes it is recommended to expose yourself to the things that lead to intense emotions in order to allow the mind to get used to the thing until it has less of an emotional effect.
For example if you have a phobia of something and feel anxiety often it is recommended that you expose yourself to that thing and stick with it until you notice the feelings decrease. Research has shown that emotions such as shame and humiliation do not work in quite the same way – and that continuing to expose ourselves to shameful situations can do more harm than good. However, research into guilt is still growing, but there is evidence that suggests that finding strategies to build a tolerance and learning to live with guilt can be the most useful ways forward with these emotions…
1) Change The Situation
First of all, put rather simply, you can accept you did something wrong, but then it’s important to find ways to move on in spite of the past. Unfortunately, we cannot change the past, but you can change the ways you approach that situation in future, or other situations like it. More often than not there is usually an opportunity to say sorry or make up for previous actions and to put them right. However once this is done it is important to consider how this has provided you closure and to adjust your focus towards the future rather than trying to explore the past further.
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2) Use Focus To Your Advantage
We tend to get more of what we focus on. Noticing where your attention is can be an important tool. For example, are you replaying events over and over again, or focusing on feelings of guilt to the exclusion of other emotions that come along?
The more we think, focus or even obsess ourselves with believing we can do more about a situation that has happened in the past, the more it it can unhelpfully intensify the emotional experience we have. Once you have responded to your past behaviour it is important to move on both in the world and in your mind. By using techniques such as mindfulness you can bring a growing awareness to where your mind is focused moment-by-moment. This can be helpful in noticing if you are overly focused upon situations which have triggered feelings of guilt, which you have decided to move on from.
Whilst it can be difficult to push thoughts out of your mind (psychologists sometimes call this thought suppression), it can be much more achievable to ‘reprioritise’ certain thoughts and to move the focus away from them – whilst still recognising their presence in the background.
For example, working long hours away from your family to put ‘bread on the table’, or telling a white lie to prevent hurting the feelings of someone else can cause guilt. However, we often choose to de-prioritise focusing and exploring these areas, in favour of keeping the focus on positive results from our behaviour. Crucially this is unlikely to make us ‘guilt-free’, but will help in giving us more manageable levels of ‘appropriate’ or ‘healthy’ guilt.
3) Understand Your Thoughts & Beliefs
‘Unhealthy’ guilt however can link closely to our thought processes. For example, a situation where our behaviour doesn’t need to change or amends don’t need to be made can develop into unhealthy guilt as a result of how we are thinking about the situation.
This can be where someone can feel as though they have done something wrong when the reality may not show this to be the case. An example of this could be being promoted in work and rather than feeling happiness about the promotion you feel guilt because others haven’t been promoted and may have been in the company longer than you. In this case certain unhelpful thinking styles might be influencing our perception of the situation in a way that encourages us to feeling higher levels of guilt. Therefore we might consider this to be unhelpful or inappropriate guilt.
But understanding the types of thinking that have led to it we have more ability to be able to evaluate them and consider if there might be more accurate or useful ways of viewing the situation next time.
4) Engage With Your Guilt Sooner Rather Than Later
A tip with getting over guilt certainly includes making amends (where needed) sooner rather than later. We have spoken about healthy guilt, guilt that has a rational purpose; this can be amended by taking steps in changing or adjusting the situation.
Using the example previously, working long hours can be spoken about with a line manager or reducing over time to spend more time with family. Making these adjustments sooner rather than later can prevent the development of long term unhealthy guilt that will affect your emotions and interactions with others. It appears that the sooner we learn a lesson from the “guilty” situation and move on, the better.
So, getting over guilt has a number of steps to approach to get to the source of the issue. Acceptance and commitment to dealing with the situation is important. This will help understand the reasons for feeling guilty and to change your behaviour appropriately. And if it wasn’t clear enough earlier, following this it’s about understanding the best ways you can move forward.
If you need help with feelings of guilt – then why not get in touch with one of our team today?
